If you ever have wondered, “Why is life so hard?” then this post is for you.
I don’t have these thoughts often.
Most of the time I feel equipped to deal with what life throws my way. Once in a while, though, big waves threaten to upend or flood my boat.
That happens to all of us in life – those storms just come. Sometimes I think the ultimate purpose of life is to learn how to respond to those challenges with resilience and grace – and the ability to do that is the definition of mental health.
But there are things about our modern life and society that make life far harder than it has to be – like riding a unicycle in a highwire balancing act. For example, there are societal expectations put on us that are impossible to meet, let alone exceed.
I’ve long been familiar with these expectations for girls and women, which often begin in the form of family or school expectations, later job or work expectations and then motherhood expectations.
I’m talking about unattainable, unwritten expectations like:
- Be attractive, but not too pretty or you’re vain
- Wear makeup, but not too much or you’ll look like a whore
- Be in shape, but not too fit or you’ll intimidate guys
- Be thin, but not too thin or you’ll look like a skeleton
- Have curves and a big butt, but also a super slim waist
- Have big boobs or you won’t be feminine, but not too big or you’ll look fat
- Wear cute clothes, but not too sexy or you’re asking for it
- Put out with your boyfriend, but don’t be too into it or too experienced or you’re a slut
- Smile at any man you see or you’re a bitch
- Be intelligent, but not too smart or you’ll intimidate men
- Work hard, but be sure to have kids or you’re a monster
- Have a career but also be a loving committed present wife and mom
These are ridiculous standards perpetrated by a patriarchal society and we should all write them on a piece of paper, burn it in a fiery blaze and put them out of our minds completely. Alas, that is harder to do than it is to write.
But you know what? Men and boys have their own set of impossible, unattainable and unwritten expectations. I had never given this much thought until my hubby sent me an Instagram video to watch. I didn’t agree with everything the guy said in the video, but he did have a point about some of these things.
Consider the following high-pressure expectations on boys and men:
- Boys shouldn’t cry or show weakness, but men are told they are toxic if they don’t know how to show and control their emotions
- Be masculine to be attractive to women – but don’t be toxic
- Be sensitive, but not weak
- Women can hit you, but you can’t hit back or you’re an abuser
- Treat women well with dinner, flowers, etc. but don’t expect any kind of equal treatment or you’re not a real man
- Be intelligent or women will look down on you – but not too intelligent or you’re a nerd
- Be confident, but not too cocky or you’re arrogant
- Have a career and provide for your family, but also be a loving committed present husband and dad
What do you think – had you ever considered the pressures that boys and men are under? Of course, people of color experience all of these gender-based stressors combined with the added, unbearable weight of discrimination and racism. And then of course there are the many stressors and traumas facing nonbinary and trans people – a truly staggering burden most of us can’t even imagine, let alone struggle with.
Why are we so hard on each other, ourselves, our fellow humans? Why can’t we all just be good humans, be kind to ourselves and each other, and do the best we can?
I don’t know what the answer is. If the patriarchy is the problem – and it clearly is not good for ANYONE’s mental health – then what is the solution?
I’ve tried to do my part by raising a strong, sensitive and kind human being who does not uphold these outdated, wrong-headed patriarchal views, who could ride a unicycle on a highwire by age eight, and whom I know will make the world a more beautiful place.
Perhaps Z and her generation can prioritize empathy and save us all. I have hope that they can!
