When I was a child, I strongly preferred having one best friend vs. a whole group of friends.
I can remember that my mom often asked me, “Why do you have to have one best friend? Why can’t you just be friends with everyone?”
She questioned whether my intense, close best friendships were the right choice for me because when things fell apart, as childhood friendships invariably do, it was always devastating to me.
History repeats itself because our beloved daughter is wired exactly the same way. All her young life, she has always locked in on one true, close best friend vs. being friends with many different people. And just like in my case, when those “best friendships” end, it has rocked her world (and ours).
I wonder why she and I are both wired this way? Why do we both have such a strong propensity to pair up with a single bestie vs. being friends with a group like some people manage to do?
Instinctively, it feels like it would be better to diversify friendships and have more close friends rather than just one.
I just did some quick internet research and it turns out, my hunch was right: it is better for people to have more friends. Relying on the friendship of just one person leaves us vulnerable if something happens to that close friend, which can lead to loneliness and depression.
Now, I know: the more close friendships we have, the better. This is not something that comes naturally to my daughter and me, however, since apparently we both have an innate preference for pairing off with one true best friend. I guess it’s something we’re both going to have to work on!
This isn’t so easy, though. Social circles were shrinking even before the pandemic – and they certainly tightened during the global lockdown. It’s been a long time since I had enough friends to fill a party.
I have plenty of acquaintances and “social media friends” – and I suppose some of them might come if I were to throw a party. But I really only have a very small number of people I consider real, true, close friends whom I can count on – and a few of them live pretty far away.
According to this New York Times article, the sweet spot is between three and six close, intimate friends. I’d say I’m on the low side – but if I count my beloved hubby, then things are looking up. If I count our darling daughter, then I’m in great shape.
But do family members count, or am I cheating? If I’m being honest, I know that I should shore up or deepen a few of my “light” friendships and make them more meaningful – but that seems a bit risky. What if those people don’t want to be closer friends with me? What if they’re fine just being acquaintances?
And also: who has time for cultivating friendships between working full-time, parenting a young teen, trying to give more focus to my marriage and spending time with the close friends I do have?
I truly don’t have time to embark on a new friend hunt. But when I think back to how I met and made the true, close friends that I treasure, a few themes emerge:
- Introduced by a friend
- Came together over a shared interest/hobby
- Bonded over similar interests
I guess there’s my answer. I’m just going to keep on being me, letting my freak flag fly and enjoying my varied interests. Hopefully, my next friend will appear like magic, just as they have in the past.
As to how I can help my now-highschooler make more friends, I’m going to leave that up to her. I’ve found it’s best when moms don’t meddle too much in friendships. I’ll share with her the “more is better” philosphy, and relate what has worked best for me, but after that she’s on her own.
How do you feel about your friendships: do you tend to prefer one close best friendship, or do you like having a group of friends? I’d love to hear your friendship tales in the comments below or over on Facebook or Instagram.
