This one is for all my fellow winter haters.
If you adore all things cold and snowy, you might want to skip this post. I’m not a habitual complainer, but when I do I like to go all out.
I have tried to remain good-spirited about winter on this blog in the past – and to think positively about the things I do like about it – but that will not be the vibe here.
It is high time I let you know my true feelings. Winter is coming, in the immortal words of George R.R. Martin, and I for one am dreading it with every fiber of my being.
Winter is a dick. Here in Ohio, winter translates to roughly six months of intermittent subzero temperatures, grey skies, short dark days and varying levels of icy, snowy, slushy misery. And this winter? It’s supposed to be a bad one.
Some days, the air alone becomes sheer violence perpetrated toward your skin. My aging skin simply is not equipped to handle either the frigid air temperatures outside or the dry, hot air blowing constantly indoors. Even with constant hydration and daily lotion sessions, my skin basically turns to paper and shrivels up during these long winter months.
And speaking of long – didn’t winter used to be a normal, three-month season like the rest? When did winter start encroaching so cruelly on spring and fall, which are literally my two favorite seasons? How did our lives end up HALF WINTER?! But I digress.
What follows is my annual winter pep talk to myself. Hopefully, it will help you get through these dark and cold days, too.
Dear Self,
It’s that time again. I know you want to hibernate for the next few months until it’s all behind us, but we can’t. We have a family. We have a job. We have dogs who need us to take them outside. You’re going to have to suck it up and do this again. You’ve got this.
There are a few bright sparks to get you through. No, we’re not traveling to anywhere tropical for spring break this year, and yes that sucks. But there will still be some fleeting moments of hope. Let’s take this month by month. We’re already past November, so that’s one month down and only five to go!
December goes by super fast. With the holidays and all their sparking lights, gifts and hubbub, this month will fly by. Christmas doesn’t have quite the same magic as it did when Z was little, but there’s still joy to be found. Try to ignore the weather as much as possible unless we get a white Christmas – that would actually be cool. Embrace the holiday spirit. Listen to Mariah Carey nonstop. Enjoy family time. Take pleasure in your Spotify Wrapped and reflect on having rocked another year despite it being half winter.
January is a long, cold bitch. I’m not going to lie, it’ll be rough – but you’re allowed to wallow in misery for this whole month. Take pleasure in doing absolutely nothing beyond the bare minimum. Bury yourself in warm blankets. Skip showers to help save your poor, dry skin. Leave the house as little as possible. Watch lots of movies and binge all the shows you want. Eat chocolate two-fisted. Guilt-free, goblin-mode January is a thing. Own it. Be thankful you’re chubby because the skinnies are the ones really suffering in this cold.
February is brutal, but short. You’re going to have to be a big girl this month and suffer through. Hey, it’s your anniversary month – celebrating 20 years together is quite a milestone! There’s also Valentine’s day. It’s a whole month of love. Just don’t go outside, whatever you do. It’s the world from Snowpiercer out there – you’ll turn to ice and shatter into a million pieces. Toss some food out for the birds and squirrels. Be glad you’ve got a warm home and good food. Go to the gym and hang out in the sauna.
March is another long one but the end is in sight. I’m running out of ways to hype you up. This weather is going to be terrible. Just when you get a glimmer of balmy spring, it will all turn to bitter ice and cold. And your family has chosen a cold destination for spring break this year? WTF?! This might be a good time to plan a visit to your Cali crew. Thankfully, you have Z’s big 13th birthday to focus on. And I promise… no matter how bleak it seems, spring really will come soon. Shop for some cute spring things now!
April should be more spring than winter. While we are certainly not out of the cold weather woods yet, there will be more glimpses of spring and sunshine and warmer days this month. The end is in sight. Focus on Easter, cute pastel mani/pedis and spotting crocus blooms while you walk the dogs. Celebrate Lamborghini’s 2nd birthday – maybe this is the year she starts making good choices? And speaking of birthdays – yours is just around the corner! Time to start spring cleaning and donate a bunch of stuff.
Self, I know you can get through this. We live in Ohio for many reasons, but the weather is not one of them. The weather is the price we pay for such a great quality of life and low cost of living.
Bundle up and try to stay warm. And just be thankful we don’t live in Minnesota or Wisconsin!
Love,
Me
