If there’s one lesson I hope to take from this time in my life to the next phase, it’s the ability to let myself truly feel all of my emotions.
This might sound odd to you – like, “what adult doesn’t know how to feel their feelings? That’s just dumb.”
But it’s not. Believe it or not, many of us have trouble with this and it leads to so many interpersonal difficulties, relationship struggles and even divorce. Trust me, I know.
Sometimes people don’t allow themselves to feel their feelings – whether they realize it or not – until they get so angry and frustrated that it EXPLODES out of them in rage, resentment and bitterness.
Other times, people don’t realize they are stuffing their feelings down and end up covering them up with maladaptive behaviors like eating too much, spending too much or other less-than-ideal habits. Because if we can’t feel our emotions, then we can’t regulate them in a healthy way.
In my case, I can clearly trace these emotional issues back to my childhood. All babies and children are born being able to express simple emotions, even if the adults around them don’t always know why they’re feeling them. I was a strong feeler back then; I can remember feeling very intense emotions as a kid!
But I was parented in a somewhat old-school way, especially by one dominant parent. I was often told that I was too loud. I was occasionally threatened with “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.” I was also sent to my room – and basically shunned or mocked – for getting emotional or acting out.
I was a smart kid. I quickly learned that my feelings were not welcome and that it was better to keep them inside. I was taught – indirectly, but powerfully – that love was conditional upon my behavior and on me being a good, quiet little girl vs. a loud, emotional one.
These lessons learned in childhood are cemented as core memories and become very, very tough to unlearn.
I’m 55, I’ve been to more therapists than I can remember, and I’m still unpacking the faulty lessons I learned in childhood. It can take a lifetime of emotional work to untangle all those knots tied by our little childish brains based on what we saw and learned from our families of origin.
Maybe none of this applies to you – maybe you grew up with healthy, happy, loving parents in a functional relationship with no interpersonal or communication issues whatsoever! But somehow, I doubt that even exists.
I’m not blaming my parents. We’re all humans just doing the best we can. And the fact is that we can only learn from what we see as children. If we didn’t have role models for a successful marriage or healthy expression of emotions, then where else are we to learn those skills? They don’t teach them in school.
I’m fortunate to have worked in the mental health space for almost four years now. I learn so much every day. And that’s why it’s only now, at this age, that I’m finally truly comfortable with feeling all of my emotions – even if it’s hard. Little by little, I’ve learned that it’s safe to feel all the feels. And once I feel them, I can regulate them.
And that’s a good thing, because right now, going through a divorce, job changes and a big move? There are some really tough moments and feelings. But I’m not afraid of any of it anymore – I know that I have space for all of my emotions. They won’t always make sense and sometimes they even conflict with each other, but it’s okay. All feelings are welcome here – even the painful ones.
I can feel sadness and grief over the end of my marriage. I can feel despair and worry over how this will all affect our daughter. And, at the same time, I can feel hope and elation at the newfound peace and calm we’ve found in my new place.
I can feel gratitude towards Z’s dad for all the help he gave me in setting up my condo and making it feel like home. And I can feel scared and anxious about my job situation, while also feeling happy and excited about new possibilities that are on the horizon.
It’s okay to feel all the feelings all at once. It might get overwhelming at times – you might even need to cry. I think that can happen when we fill up with so many emotions; some might spill out of our eyes! But it’s okay. We have space to hold all of the emotions, even though it’s hard, We can do hard things. And if there’s one thing I know about emotions, it’s that they are temporary like waves in an ocean. They come and they go.
Writing this helped me to feel calm and centered. Giving ourselves space to feel all of our emotions without judgment is one of the best self-care gifts we can give ourselves.
Do you give yourself space and freedom to truly feel all of your emotions? If so, how did you learn this skill? I’d love to talk all things emotions in the comments below or over on Facebook or Instagram.
