Once you’ve done something major twice, you find yourself with a certain amount of knowledge that may be worth sharing with others.
That’s how I feel about divorce. I’ve gone through it twice now – once with me initiating, once with the other person initiating – and it feels like I’ve learned a lot both times.
My two divorces were VERY different, but there are a few common threads. One of my new hobbies is looking back and reflecting on what could have gone differently, where we went wrong and how/if we could have gotten things back on track before we were too far gone.
When I think about it, there is one thing that happened in both marriages that was a sign things were headed off a cliff – only I didn’t realize it at the time, either time!
So if I can share this information with others who may be just starting out in their marriage relationships – or falling into marital issues of their own – then I feel it’s the least I can do.
In my first marriage, things weren’t perfect from the start. As I’ve blogged before, my parents were against it all along and my dad even tried one last time to talk me into cancelling the wedding – literally as he was walking me down the aisle to the altar on my big day. Oy.
My folks may have known all along, but it took me a long time to realize that marriage needed to end. I hated (and still hate!) the idea of divorce. I’m a romantic and I love love! I also have a lifelong habit of ignoring red flags and staying far longer than I should – both in relationships and in jobs. But, in hindsight, there was one sign that relationship was pretty much over: when he and I started vacationing separately.
Now, I know some couples who have always enjoyed taking separate vacations – and that seems to work just fine for them. Every couple is different. Please note that I think couples having separate interests, friends and even vacations can be very healthy!
But in our case, we went from being a couple who always vacations together, to a couple who vacations apart. And for me, that was a red flag that I can look back on now and realize was a negative turning point for our marriage. Not too long after the separate vacations started, I initiated the divorce.
Fast forward 20+ years, and wouldn’t you know it, I once again found myself in a marriage that was limping along and not doing great. I really wanted to get us back on track! We tried couples counseling on multiple occasions, but it just didn’t seem to stick. We were staying together for the sake of our daughter. I truly hoped we would find our “us” again and get back to a happier place… but instead, it suddenly happened: we began taking trips apart.
I should have realized that was the beginning of the end – but would you believe that I didn’t realize it until much later?! I was in a major state of denial.
For the second time in one lifetime, I received a clear warning that the marriage was on its last legs: we started taking vacations apart when we had never done that before. It should have been my sign to ask what is going on? Why are we doing this? But instead, I kept my head down and allowed myself to be blindsided months later when he asked for a divorce.
I guess this is the ultimate lesson for me: if you love someone and want to spend your life together, then why would you suddenly want to vacation separately? (Unless that’s something you’ve always enjoyed doing and it’s not something new – which is of course a different story.)
It seems awfully obvious in hindsight, but both times I didn’t see this sign for what it was – the death knell of the relationship. Hopefully, this blog post can help someone else who finds themselves in my shoes, wondering, “Is this relationship over?“
It’s worth noting that I don’t bear any malice or ill will to either of my exes. In fact, I thank them for the good times and happy moments we shared, and I forgive and release them of any bad memories or experiences. I know I was 50% to blame for the things that went wrong. Relationships are hard and we all do the best we can with the knowledge we have at the time!
Here’s hoping we can all know better and do better the next time we fall in love.
