Tears are flowing all too easily today.
I have been feeling unbelievably sad and heavy-hearted since learning that Stephen “tWitch” Boss, superstar dancer and seemingly joyful human, lost his life to suicide this week.
He was just 40 years old.
It is almost unbearable to write these words. No, I didn’t know Twitch personally – but I felt like I did.
I’d been a massive fan since 2008 when he and Allison Holker, whom he later married, were contestants on So You Think You Can Dance. Twitch was my favorite on that show, where he came in second place but was always #1 in my eyes.
I followed his career as he went on to dance in movies and ultimately landed as Ellen’s DJ and costar on The Ellen DeGeneres Show. I was a fan of Twitch and his family on social media, enjoyed their dance videos and seeing their babies grow, and always saw him as a source of pure joy, positive energy and laughter.
To learn that this radiant man was likely battling depression and suicidal ideation the whole time he was bringing so much light and love to the world is unthinkable. This man who exuded joy, moved with the grace of a natural athlete or classically-trained dancer, and clearly loved and lived for his family – how can he have been hurting so badly underneath it all?
It’s agonizing to think about how much pain and hurt Twitch must have been in. No one chooses suicide except as an absolute last resort. That’s the thing about depression. It doesn’t matter how great your life is! How loved you are! How much you have going for you!
Depression is a liar and a thief. It focuses only on the negative. It plants and feeds doubts, blinding you to all that is good, until all you can see is who you are not or all that you do not have. Depression cuts you off from the love of your family and friends so that you can’t feel it at all – even if the whole world loves you, as was clearly the case with Twitch.
Unfortunately, it’s entirely possible that Twitch couldn’t feel all that love. He was likely devastated by losing his job when The Ellen Show ended earlier this year. He probably felt huge financial pressure to provide for his beloved family – a weight he may have felt he couldn’t escape. Ultimately, he may have believed that his family – and the entire world – was better off without him.
That is the ultimate lie that depression tells. But it is never true! Not for Twitch, and not for anyone.
If it seems like I am being hit awfully hard by the death of a celebrity whom I’d never met in person, then you’re right – I am. I was sad when many of our gen X legends died, like Robin Williams, Prince, George Michael and David Bowie, but nothing has ever hit me quite like this. There are a couple of reasons for that.
First, Twitch was too young and too amazing of a person for this to have happened. I can’t begin to imagine how his poor wife and three kids feel. It’s utterly devastating and heartbreaking to think about their grief and all that they must be going through. My heart goes out to them, now and always.
Second, Twitch always seemed so positive! He was dance personified, always moving and grooving with that big grin and hearty laugh to share. His persona was pure joy and positive energy. His death reminds us that depression and suicide can happen to anyone, and that is jarring and unsettling. How could he be hiding so much pain and sadness beneath that joyful exterior? How could anyone feel that much pain with seemingly everything going for them? It’s an important reminder that we never know what someone is going through. We must always share grace, gentleness, kindness and love every chance we get.
Third, and most personal of all, is that Twitch’s death hits way too close to home for me and my family. Some of the people I love most in the world struggle with chronic depression. I know how hard they fight and what they’re up against. Hearing that a luminous superstar like Twitch lost his battle is terrifying to me, because I need my family. I need them to fight and keep fighting. I will do absolutely anything to help and support them – and that’s why I’m so passionate about writing about this disease and helping to end the stigmas surrounding it.
If you or someone you love are struggling right now, you are not alone. Emotions are like waves in the ocean – sometimes we have to hold on and ride them out. Storms will always come and go in this life, but we have to hold on. You are LOVED. You are VALUED. You are ENOUGH, just as you are.
Please call or text 988 to talk to someone who will listen without judgment. For LGBTQ+ youth under age 24, please call the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or send a text to 678-678.
Your life has meaning, purpose and worth. Please stay! Hold onto HOPE: Hold On, Pain, Ends.
