Is it a sign of getting older when one starts to look back at the past with a mixture of fondness and sadness?
I’ve always preferred to live an examined life – that is, to reflect, think back on things, find themes and analyze patterns in my lived experiences. Perhaps that is the ultimate job of the memoirist.
I love movies, books and stories of this nature, too. I enjoy reading the memoirs of others – especially those with wildly-lived lives.
In particular, I adore a good journey into nostalgia and the bittersweet longings for good times long gone, never able to be recaptured.
That’s why I’m utterly crazy about an HBO documentary film I just watched, Cecelia Aldarondo’s You Were My First Boyfriend, as well as the podcast Heavyweight hosted by Jonathan Goldstein.
I’ve written about Heavyweight before – it’s been a favorite podcast of mine for years now. In it, ordinary people work with the host to solve or resolve a burning issue, regret or question from their past. It’s funny, tender, heartwarming and sad in equal parts. Sometimes, answers about the past aren’t possible – and sometimes even if we get them, they’re not what we expected at all.
You Were My First Boyfriend, on the other hand, is utterly new. It’s a hybrid documentary, meaning it’s a real-life story but also has some fictional, fantasy elements in the form of recreations and reenactments of key moments from the creator’s youth. Co-writer, director and star Cecilia Aldorando takes us on a fantastic, funny, awkward and sad journey that starts with a simple premise: “Imagine you had a nightmare where you had to relive your adolescence.”
It all starts with Cecilia’s 20-year high school reunion. She agonizes over going, ultimately deciding that “the masochist in me says I must go.” I must not have a very strong masochistic streak, personally, because I intentionally avoided my 20 and 30-year high school reunions. I mean, honestly, why go? You know it’s going to be awkward as hell. Cecelia’s was – and best of all she filmed it, so we get to cringe right alongside her.
I guess my favorite thing about You Were My First Boyfriend is how relatable it all is. I think we’ve all had those moments of not fitting in – and of both caring and not caring about that, all at once.
I can relate all too well with Cecelia’s insecurities from her adolescence and youth: hating her body, holding onto things and people that hurt her, and turning her back on things and people that nurture her. Ughh, why do we DO that to ourselves!?
I read an article where Cecelia described her recreations and reenactments in this movie as a kind of emotional exorcism – and the best part is that it works for us viewers, vicariously, as well. The Tori Amos video reenactment and My So-Called Life scene recreation (with her real-life beau in the Jordan Catalano role) provide the perfect combination of angst and longing.
As a Gen Xer myself, I loved seeing the vintage footage of high school life and pop culture from the late 80s/early 90s. Hearing Cecelia reminisce about drinking Zima, having her first cigarette, being fat-shamed by family members and chasing a friend group just a bit out of her league was all too familiar.
By the end, You Were My First Boyfriend felt like therapy in the best way possible. It made me think, feel and remember. It felt healing for me as I watched Cecelia heal on screen.
I hadn’t thought about high school in a long time, but this movie made me wonder: what memories would I do over again, or do differently if I had the chance? What relationships or moments would I re-enact in an attempt to exorcise them like Cecelia did?
My favorite quote of the movie comes at the end, as a memorial of sorts for the best friend she wished she could have spent more time with. It’s a motto I love so much that I almost want to get it tattooed on me so that I’ll never forget it:
It’s okay to be what you fear the most: a thinking person. A questioning person. An outsider.
I’m so thankful to Ms. Cecelia Aldorando for bringing her personal, powerful journey to the screen for us all to enjoy and experience. Her unique formula of “pleasure laced with pain” is exactly my jam. I can’t wait to watch it again – maybe with my teen next time. There are so many excellent lessons to be learned here.
Have you watched a movie that moved you to your bones recently? I’d love to hear about it in the comments below or over on Facebook or Instagram.
