I used to love posing Z to take pics on the first day of school with a little homemade sign.
She’d be wearing the cutest outfits, our dogs would pose with her and the morning sunshine would be just right. I delighted in taking those photos, choosing my favorites and then proudly sharing them on my social channels.
But those days are long gone.
You see, we believe in boundaries, consent and bodily autonomy in this house. We model it, we respect it and we live by it. If someone doesn’t want their photo taken – or they’re okay with it being taken, but they don’t want it shared on social media – then that’s how we do things.
We are big believers that the first place a child and young person can really practice boundaries, consent and bodily autonomy is at home, with their parents. That means we have to respect her no – even when we truly wish the answer could be yes.
I want our daughter to have lots of practice saying a firm “No.” We want her to be used to getting her way when she says “No.” I want her to know that only an enthusiastic yes equates to consent.
We want her to know what it feels like to be respected and listened to, so she’ll never allow anyone to ignore or disrespect her “No.”
This young person of ours has always had a very strong “No.” She gets lots of practice at saying no to me!
Z, can I take your picture? “No thanks”
Can I post your picture on my Instagram? “No, please don’t, Mom!”
Would you consider wearing a different outfit instead? “Nope, I like the one I have on.”
Anything to do with her body, image or personal boundaries is up to her. It’s been this way for years. She allows me to share older photos of her still, but not recent photographs.
Do I wish she would let me photograph her more? Of course.
Do I long to share my beautiful girl on my Instagram? Daily.
And do I wish she’d dress a little differently? At times.
But you can’t raise a strong, independent, powerful young woman while expecting obedience and compliance. It just doesn’t work that way. They have to practice their self-empowerment on us – where else would they do it?
Now, could I bribe or beg her to let me take her picture? Of course I could. I have done this many times in the past – heck, I still do once in a while. But I really try not to these days.
Because here’s the thing – I take pride in her strong “No!” I take comfort in it. We won’t always be around, and this child of ours will have to stand on her own and be able to say “No” to adults, to peers, to partners and to strangers.
That’s why, as much as I long to take and share pictures of our gorgeous girl, I respect her above all else. As much as it kills me as a photographer and proud parent – she’s my favorite subject and I have so many amazing shots of her! – her autonomy matters more.
An enthusiastic “Yes” is the only acceptable form of consent. A hesitant, reluctant “Yes” is NOT consent – it’s just not. Me bribing or begging her does not result in consent; it’s likely to result in her resenting me for not respecting her boundaries.
I want her to remember how dearly her mom wanted to take and share her picture – and how good it felt to be respected, listened to and heard when that wasn’t what she wanted. I want her to never settle for less than that feeling in all her relationships.
Here’s a great resource for more information about consent and why it’s important to teach it to all young people.
