This blog post goes out to someone special in my life. An influential person close to me whom I care about. Someone I love, and who I truly believe loves me in their own way.
But this person and I see things very, very differently when it comes to health and weight. And, even though I have asked them multiple times to please stop talking about my body and my weight – and even though, as an adult, my body is NO ONE else’s business but mine – this person continues to pressure me to go on a diet.
Most recently, this person sent me a book: Diet, Drugs, and Dopamine by former FDA Commissioner David A. Kessler. It arrived this week with an accompanying email that read like an intervention – as if this person was speaking on behalf of both themself and others in imploring me to go on a diet and lose weight. (Interestingly, one of the people copied has since shared that the email IN NO WAY represents their views about me, and they were quite pissed to be included.)
I haven’t read the book yet; I’m torn about whether to read it or burn it in our fire pit. I am an avid book lover and collector who has never burned a book, so more than likely, it will go on a shelf. Who knows – maybe I’ll even read it one day. Also, I still might set it ablaze.
Do you know how it feels to have someone send you a weightloss book and beg you to lose weight “for all of us”? To have someone attempt to pressure and guilt you into doing something that you don’t believe in, and which goes against everything you stand for and know to be true?
It doesn’t feel good. Yet I don’t blame this person entirely.
I get it – our society is obsessed with thinness. Our culture is fixated on it. This person grew up immersed in diet culture, as did I. This person is overweight and a chronic yoyo dieter themself – and they HATE themself for being “obese” (their word, not mine). This person feels miserable, they hate their body and they want nothing more than to be thin and for those they love to be thin, as well. In their mind, thin is the only valid way to be. Anything else is unacceptable and bad.
But skinny is an impossible ideal and not something I aspire to anymore. I have done the reading, I have done the research and I have rejected diet culture. I’ve blogged at length here about why I am anti-diet, how much better I feel now and how much happier I am now than when I was dieting and chasing thinness for the first 51 years of my life.
Truly, I’ve never felt fatter and more miserable than when I was dieting and losing weight. Yes, you read that right! The thinner I got, and the more weight I lost, the more unhappy I was with my body. The smaller I got, the bigger I felt and the more I became convinced that I had to keep losing. It was NOT healthy for me. Being fat was never my problem – fat stigma was. I was chasing an unattainable ideal and would never reach it. At my goal weight – my absolute thinnest – I was still miserable.
But you know who was happy? The person I’m writing this blog post to. When I got down to my goal weight in my late 20s – my peak dieting years – this person was ecstatic. They celebrated me. They treated me warmly and lovingly for the first time, like I had wanted them to treat me for my entire life. They literally gave me a diamond ring – asked someone else to take it off and give it to ME – simply because they were so blown away by “how good I looked” and wanted to reward me.
I’m not making this up. This really happened. A love and acceptance I had chased my whole life was finally given to me in that moment – this person was actually proud of me! And to prove it, they gave me a beautiful diamond ring, taken right off the finger of another and handed to me in the middle of Newark Airport! I was glowing. Buzzing, even. I felt victorious, like I had finally won a huge prize. It’s a core memory for me – I will never forget it.
But then, on my solo train ride back home, my feelings changed. As I gazed down at my sparkly new ring, I realized that I actually felt sick in my body. I felt empty and nauseous, like something was very wrong. The realization hit me that it shouldn’t have taken me “getting thin” to receive that longed-for love and acceptance – and that none of it was real, because real love and acceptance are never dependent on one’s weight or surface appearance.
It took me years to fully process that experience. I continued to diet on and off for two more decades – it took me a long time to get off the diet culture hamster wheel. I continued chasing that high of being both skinny AND of one day feeling loved and accepted by this incredibly influential person in my life. I never achieved either again.
And you know what? I’m fine with that. Both “goals” required me to be untrue to myself. I know now that my worth is not based on how I look, what I weigh or what size I wear. And I know that no true acceptance or love would ever be based on those things. I found a much better way: self-acceptance and self-love.
I owe no one an explanation for what I do with my body and my health – but I do feel a need to speak up for myself, because getting that book felt like an attack on who I am. So here are a few reasons why I feel confident in myself:
- I am a devoted mother who puts our child first at all times. One example: I recently gave up gluten to support and aid Z in her recovery from celiac disease. It was a no-brainer – I would do absolutely anything to help her!
- I am a loving person who cares deeply about my family and friends. I value close, caring relationships with the cherished people and pets in my life.
- I work hard and love my career. I am fortunate to do work that inspires and challenges me even after all these years.
- I have been blessed with good health, and I pay it forward when I can. I donate blood every two months because I’m strong, healthy and have rare CMV-negative blood which can be given to newborns and preemies in the NICU.
- I spend three hours every Sunday volunteering for The Trevor Project as a crisis counselor for LGBTQ+ youth. I feel so privileged and fortunate to be able to do this work, give back and provide a safe space for those who need it most.
- I value self-care and prioritize my mental and physical health equally.
- I am passionate about nature and walk before dawn with friends to see sunrise over Alum Creek lake as many mornings as we can during spring, summer and fall. This is like a spiritual practice for me – communing with friends and with nature. We walk and talk for an hour each time, usually a couple of mornings each week as our Ohio weather allows.
- I love to dance and attend two to four dance classes each week at my gym, dancing for an hour each time until the sweat flows freely. I go with a friend or I go alone, but either way I treasure the joy it gives me.
How I look, the size I wear and what I weigh on a scale, do not even factor into this list for me. They are irrelevant and meaningless. I am a healthy, strong person and I love myself and the body I’m in. I live an active, vibrant life I love. I know I don’t need to defend myself to anyone, but like I said – I felt attacked, so I am putting this out there with the hope that it will reach the person who needs to read it most.
I know I’m not the only one with Boomers in their life still pushing toxic weight loss and diets. I hope this will help someone else in their struggle to find freedom from diet culture – even if they’re still getting unsolicited advice or pressure to comply.
Please read my other anti-diet posts here, and feel free to let me know if there’s something else you think I should write about.
